I Have Never... Been Thirty

It’s really been getting to me. This whole turning-thirty-stuff… seriously irritating. It's bad enough that I've been dreading the actual day, but now, everyone’s been asking me about it… and the only way I’d know is when I actually am thirty! Jeez.

And today, I did.

A couple of great buddies ganged up on me with an awesome surprise party, and i breezed into the great unknown thirties like a horny teenager and his right hand.

And what’s changed? Well, here’s a few things I could recognize as definitely being different from the person of old:

Partying. Suddenly, I’ve toned down the amount I party. Hangovers are actively avoided, and driving after a drink is a strict no-no. I rarely share a drink with strangers, and my circle of friends is more important to me.

Friends. I’ve been meeting more old buddies, early lovers, past schoolmates, and early contacts than ever before. It’s been weird, and has left me feeling guilty about never taking the time or effort to stay in touch with anyone. And I mean, anyone.

Money. My cash balance has consistently remained zilch, and collection agents are hounding me day and night. But I’m the proud owner of a big car; I surround myself with the top-of-the-line electronics; I own expensive gadgetry and am obsessed by gizmos; my wardrobe equals the GDP of a small third-world country; I rent an apartment that’s far too large for me; I’m a regular at particular restaurants and clubs; I loan money to everybody around me, interest-free, and never collect on it; I own atleast a hundred things I desperately sought, but have never used since; I earn a lot of money. But the bottom-line is I’m unsatisfied, and I don’t know what I’m looking for.

Caution. I drive more carefully than ever. I fret in traffic. I actually employ a full-time driver and man-servant. I scream at people for not wearing their seat-belts, and yell at my boys for riding without a helmet. I almost never party during week-nights. I actually employ a vague budgeting of my money. Even more incredible, I’ve begun planning for the future.


Laughter. Worryingly, I’ve noticed that I smile less than I ever did. It’s takes a lot more to make me laugh.

Regulars. I have certain fixed points around which my life revolves: hotels, clubs, restaurants, food, friends, petrol bunks, websites, brands, shopping, travel, celebrations, movies, books… and everything else I can think of. Arrgh! I can’t believe I’ve lost all spontaneity!

Sex. I’m always got more than any one man could ever want, and it’s never been better!

Mentor. I’m suddenly a mentor and example to many people in my life. People actually look up to me for advice, support, help and I’m often caught unawares. I can no longer just live my life the way I want!

Ecology. I’m now concerned for our crappy environment, our polluting way of life, and I believe in the Greenhouse Effect… I preach a lot, but rarely practice!

And here’s an insider’s secret: being 30 is exactly like being 29. Seriously.