I Have Never... Been Thirty

It’s really been getting to me. This whole turning-thirty-stuff… seriously irritating. It's bad enough that I've been dreading the actual day, but now, everyone’s been asking me about it… and the only way I’d know is when I actually am thirty! Jeez.

And today, I did.

A couple of great buddies ganged up on me with an awesome surprise party, and i breezed into the great unknown thirties like a horny teenager and his right hand.

And what’s changed? Well, here’s a few things I could recognize as definitely being different from the person of old:

Partying. Suddenly, I’ve toned down the amount I party. Hangovers are actively avoided, and driving after a drink is a strict no-no. I rarely share a drink with strangers, and my circle of friends is more important to me.

Friends. I’ve been meeting more old buddies, early lovers, past schoolmates, and early contacts than ever before. It’s been weird, and has left me feeling guilty about never taking the time or effort to stay in touch with anyone. And I mean, anyone.

Money. My cash balance has consistently remained zilch, and collection agents are hounding me day and night. But I’m the proud owner of a big car; I surround myself with the top-of-the-line electronics; I own expensive gadgetry and am obsessed by gizmos; my wardrobe equals the GDP of a small third-world country; I rent an apartment that’s far too large for me; I’m a regular at particular restaurants and clubs; I loan money to everybody around me, interest-free, and never collect on it; I own atleast a hundred things I desperately sought, but have never used since; I earn a lot of money. But the bottom-line is I’m unsatisfied, and I don’t know what I’m looking for.

Caution. I drive more carefully than ever. I fret in traffic. I actually employ a full-time driver and man-servant. I scream at people for not wearing their seat-belts, and yell at my boys for riding without a helmet. I almost never party during week-nights. I actually employ a vague budgeting of my money. Even more incredible, I’ve begun planning for the future.


Laughter. Worryingly, I’ve noticed that I smile less than I ever did. It’s takes a lot more to make me laugh.

Regulars. I have certain fixed points around which my life revolves: hotels, clubs, restaurants, food, friends, petrol bunks, websites, brands, shopping, travel, celebrations, movies, books… and everything else I can think of. Arrgh! I can’t believe I’ve lost all spontaneity!

Sex. I’m always got more than any one man could ever want, and it’s never been better!

Mentor. I’m suddenly a mentor and example to many people in my life. People actually look up to me for advice, support, help and I’m often caught unawares. I can no longer just live my life the way I want!

Ecology. I’m now concerned for our crappy environment, our polluting way of life, and I believe in the Greenhouse Effect… I preach a lot, but rarely practice!

And here’s an insider’s secret: being 30 is exactly like being 29. Seriously.

I Have Never... Been 'Shoed'

It’s now official.


Shoe-throwing isn’t just awesome fun. It’s a sure-fire way to your 5-minutes of fame, glory, and knowing our idiot-run predictable media, a sizeable fortune too, if you have any sense for business.

Lobbing smelly footwearat someone is bound to be fun. It sure does look it.

Besides, it’s turned into a global phenomenon. Technically, Bush wasn’t the first one to be shoed away. Almost every angry rhetoric, the world over, uses the threat of being slippered to get their furious opinions across. And many have actually resorted to doing so. Many entertaining moments have been captured on camera, much to the joy of the general public. Today, we even have organized events to cater to this special-interest-sport.

I’m glad I’m not a politician or government servant in India today. Every one, from Prime Minister to a lowly constable, has been the recipient of poorly aimed foot wear.

Which brings me to an important question that no one seems to be discussing: Are shoes really that hard to throw?!

I find it difficult to believe there are so many people in the world who just can’t chuck stuff with basic accuracy. I’m someone similarly challenged – I couldn't throw a ball to save my life. However, that's exactly why I wouldn't try something like that in public! I'd be more embarassed at missing than anything else.

But consider that almost every single incident till date involved loads of planning, dreams of glory, analysis of possible trajectories, and full knowledge of the outcome of one’s actions, and you’ll see where I’m coming from. Why the fuck can’t these morons make contact with their sitting-duck targets?!

Maybe shoes are just built wrong. Lobbing stuff possibly requires that the object involved have some kind of aerodynamic styling, especially when they’re required to travel some distance.

Then again, the intention of lobbing footwear at someone is usually to make maximum contact – and that would result in maximum embarrassment. There are two aspects here which are most important: the sole of the shoe, and the target’s face.

The closer you are to either of these, the closer you are to complete success. Focusing on air-resistance and geometry will turn the shoe into trajectory-based bullet, which greatly reduces the embarrassment factor. If your target is harmed by your pointy-toed missile, he gets a lot of sympathy, which is not the intention, mind you. However, too much work on such stuff takes away from all the fun involved. The 'impromptu lob' still gets my vote.

And practice makes perfect, eh? I should probably put out my own 10-pointers on How To Throw A Shoe, but there are far too many of those out there.

FAST FACT: If you can’t hit your target with a shoe, after planning for days or months, you must be a real tool.

I got shoed today - but in a great way. My office staff got together and gifted me a cool pair of Reebok runners seeing as my birthday is coming up. I’m smiling.